Wrongfully, I Rested
Have you ever thought that if you'd just paid more attention, not looked away or closed your eyes, then some tragic event could have been prevented? Perhaps if you'd been 100 percent present, been completely focused, then you could have stepped in and stopped it? Or is that kind of thinking simply a vain attempt to assert control over things that are beyond your control no matter how vigilant you are?
I struggle with this notion of control and responsibility. People claim responsibility all the time for things that they had nothing to do with or that would have turned out the way they did regardless of their input. They also blame themselves for things that they couldn't possibly have prevented or changed even if they tried and for which they were in no way responsible.
In the past, I used to believe that if I worried enough or imagined all the worst possible scenarios, then the bad thing I feared wouldn't come to pass. I was a world-class catastrophic worrier. At the same time, I didn't fully understand the impact of my own behavior on other people, so I didn't always accept responsibility for things that I actually did have a hand in. I was (am still, to some degree) a walking paradox.
These days I see much more clearly how I've fucked things up and am far more apt to take the blame when necessary. I also worry a lot less, which I suppose is an improvement. However, I still feel like I have blind spots and don't pay enough careful attention when it matters the most. I'm working on it, but it seems to be a neverending process. No rest for the weary, at least not in this regard.
My Latest Novel--"Wrongfully, I Rested" mp3 off Wolves (buy)
This is a gorgeous song, btw, one you may be familiar with if you pay attention to what Colin suggests you listen to. But if you haven't heard it yet, take a listen to it now. At the 2:27 minute mark, it becomes almost painfully beautiful.
I am writing as I listen to your latest entry... very pretty. Very mellow
and very forgiving?
What you wrote reminds of the recent event of riding my bike to work and
getting hit by a kid hurrying who knows were at 7:30am and crushing many of
my bones and then having to spend a while at my local trauma hospital.
The worst part, if you will indulge me, was having a TV with one lousy
movie channel. I watched Kevin Bacon in Footlose seven or twenty times. At
least I am alive and now, thank goodness, can watch that movie and laugh.
oops thanks again for the nice comments below...
omg! when did this happen? are you ok now? i suppose that would be the
ultimate example of not paying attention--not you, but the driver. wow.
scary stuff.
a couple years ago... but now I can salsa dance!
Bravo Marcy! But do remember, my dear, not to be judgmental. Mindful,
yes. Understanding, yes. Compassionate (argh! th c-word again!!!), yes.
Frank and honest, yes. But being judgmental gives rise to blame and
negativity.
juan--well, that is wonderful to hear. besides, you never know when you'll
need to break out your best salsa moves, so it's good to know you're able
if you need to!
I had something smart to say... waaayy smarter than what Fil said, I assure
you .... but I can't remember it now so I'll just say:
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