In Anticipation of Letting You Go
This feeling has been percolating for a long time. I'm not even sure where to start, to tell you the truth. It has to do with letting go, I guess, at the heart of it. Letting go of a child, letting go of my hopes of how things might be, and letting go of my own regrets.
I suppose I'm going through this a little prematurely, as he won't leave for college until next fall, but it's really hitting me hard right now that soon my son will be gone away and I won't see him very much anymore. On the flip side, it's not as though I haven't known this was coming, either. It's a very weird, conflicted process.
Tied up in the process is my own guilt, for lack of a better word, of leaving my own mother behind. Not that it wasn't expected of me--or of any child as they reach adulthood--but I did it quite easily and didn't look back. I loved my mom, we got along pretty well, but at the same time I was ready to go and away I went. In fact, once I left for college, all told I only lived at home for two summers before I got married.
I didn't feel bad about it at the time, but now that I'm going through it and can empathize a bit more with what she might have been going through, I feel sad about it. I wish I'd spent more time with her, not been so eager to get out on my own and live so far away. Unfortunately, the thing about time is that you can't get it back, no matter how badly you might wish you could, and so I'm left with my regrets.
And now I know my son is mentally preparing himself to leave the nest and that he's not thinking about how I will miss him when he's gone--which of course he shouldn't be, either. I mean, I know that's the way it's supposed to be, I really do! It is primarily what we do as parents, prepare them to be independent and to be able to take care of themselves. I'm just already sad about it because I know what I'm in for.
Foy Vance--"Homebird" mp3 off Watermelon Oranges (buy)
All Smiles--"Our Final Roles as Birds" mp3 Oh For the Getting and Not Letting Go (buy)
p.s. My older daughter went away to school a year ago but it's different with her, as she is much closer to home than he is planning to be and hence doesn't seem far away, either physically or emotionally. My son is another animal entirely. The nearest school he's considering is eight hours away by car.
Hugs. I know how tough it is.
Mine's been in FL for 2 years now, and I miss him tons. Now we do the
Skype thing, so at least I can see his face.
"the thing about time is that you can't get it back...." Oh Marcy, you have
made me so sad thinking of my own kids and for you. Such a difficulty in
life to put so much love and energy into someone that, deep down, you want
to leave and succeed without you. I am not close to the college years
(well, I am sure it will be here before I know it), but I have been
surprised at how I have struggled the past few weeks since school started.
See, my littlest is in all day Kindergarten and I yearn, more than I ever
imagined, to regain the time that I had with him. Special, unstructured
and sweet. I do not think I will ever get that again....the baby had traded
himself in for a "big" school boy.
Tricia, so right. Once they start school, it's never really the same.
Summers even become semi-structured. although we try to keep them loose
around here. My neighbors run their kids here and there for this camp and
that, and it's almost as stressful as the school year!
aw, thanks you guys. it's weird but true that i worry about him in a
different way than i worry about my daughter. i always have, ever since he
started school. he seems more vulnerable somehow, more apt to be hurt or
left out or something vague like that that i can't possibly protect him
from. i'm sure he'll be fine--they almost always are, right? :) anyway, i
appreciate the virtual hugs and supportive words. tricia, i can't even
start to think about what it'll be like when my youngest goes off to
school. it's still eight years away, but i know it's coming and i don't
like it already! skype sounds like a wonderful thing, nat, i'm going to
have to suggest it--when the time is right, of course!
Thinking of you Marcy *big hug*
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