I Did it in Self-Defense

     There were several albums I liked last year but found that I couldn't listen to for any sustained length of time. It had nothing to do with the music and everything to do with me. The thing is, I really wanted to love those records but I couldn't let myself go there.

     It was for my own good--self-defense, as it were. Although my heart is still not as strong as it could be, it's ever so much better than it had been and so I just couldn't step into the painful, heart-rending place that this music was sure to take me.

     I feel kind of guilty about it. I took the songs into my home and yet I didn't really ask them to stay. I kept them at arms' length. But it was too dangerous to let them linger, sort of like when an addict has kicked the habit and then someone offers him a smoke or drink--if you say yes for the moment, it makes it too easy to say yes the second time and then next thing you know you're falling into that deep, dark hole, only you know how hard it is to climb back out of it, so you have to refuse.

     And so I feel kind of guilty, but I also feel kind of glad, actually very glad I'm not in that place anymore and that I could say no. I think the music will understand, don't you? At least I hope it will. 

tags: i shot the sheriff  but i did not shoot the deputy  

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